Saturday, April 21, 2012

Why I've become a jaded bitch.

I think it's time to say what's been really bothering me. Because I've been holding it in and letting the anger and resentment completely rule me. I wrote about this before in "What's the difference between queers and nazis?" post only it was generalized.....

The truth is I know I have alienated people lately with my bitterness and negativity but this was going on for years before I started behaving the way I do. I have learned to hate the gay community even more so lately. I get it more in the rooms of AA. The cliques made me both angry and depressed because no matter what I do I don't fit at all and felt very unwelcome in the gay rooms, and for a while I was starting to think it was just me, maybe there was something wrong with my way of thinking. Then my resentment was a reality. I remember I went to the meetings saying I needed a support group and so on and that never really happened. I mean sure at the meetings I got that, but after I would always go home by myself hardly ever invited anywhere. I began to just accept that as my reality. But then I got a member of my halfway here a few years younger, cute and whiter. Need I say more? Attention, love, support, and everything I never had. Last week after the meeting I was asking people what they were doing. They all said they had other plans. I later found out those plans included my housemate and all of them going to dinner with him. I wasn't invited. That was one of many examples. That's my weekends. Home meetings being blown off after and going home. I've even asked people if they were going places later, only to hear them say no, and find them there.....

This isn't the first time it's been like this. I'm not welcome and that's the reality I live with at this point, and when I vocalize it people tell me I'm throwing a pity party. I guess having hurt feelings and low self esteem is pity. I guess reaching out and having my hand slapped away left to drown because I'm not attractive or white is self pity. I'm angry and have no way of saying anything.

Now my bitterness has turned into darkness and becoming jaded and melancholy has become my own prison. This has been the story of my life since I was a teenager. The truth is I never fit. girls would always say how hot I was and how they don't understand why I have problems getting guys while my own kind has always given me a thousand reasons why I'm not attractive.

I also used to hang out with neo nazis as a teenager (literally) who were less judgmental  than the gay culture. When I moved to the northeast it wasn't a problem anymore. I was accepted just fine and didn't have problems in the gay scene, then again I wasn't all that involved in the gay culture because I was involved in relationships and the underground punk scene where there are lots of other fetish-punk sinister queers like myself....

Now it's very lonely and I find myself on the outside, fading into the background and feeling like an empty shell of a human......It doesn't end and get's worse everyday. I don't want to use or drink, but I don't want to feel like this anymore. I am so angst that it makes me alienate those who do like me and want me around, but yet I can't help it. The constant rejection the cliques, the beautiful people making me feel ugly as sin. Just like my school year when even the kids who were made fun of making fun of me so they could fit in better, the rejects who used to hang out with me who turned on me to get ranks of popularity.....Now I'm feeling sorry for myself. But you get what I mean....Anyways I can't write anymore. I'm just gonna fall asleep...Tomorrow will be better that's what they say. My questions are: Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I the only person who feels this way?

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Ostara My experience and twist with the ancient holiday

I remember it was St. Patrick’s massacre day I got very huffy and puffy about pagan holidays being converted into xtian and catholic holidays. It was the first time ever that it meant so much to me. I began with refusing to wear green because it supported the murder of innocent people. I even ranted about it on facebook and said at the end “Don’t even get me started on Easter”
 The truth is all of my information about the sabbats and rituals and history didn’t come from books or word of mouth but from spirits. I would write about these things and talk about things I didn’t think I knew anything  about. Then I would look into the history and find I was writing word for word these pieces of history.
        So let me talk about Ostara and my experience with it. It’s no secret nor surprise where the egg laying hare and the goddess of fertility come to play on this holiday I will only speak of how it worked with me and how I showed my thanks.
I received a text message from an atheist friend of mine saying “Happy pagan fuck day!”  I could only laugh because I hate to admit it but it is kind of true. For me since I do not procreate when I have sex because there is no spell for making another guy pregnant no matter how hard I channel the ancient energies I have not found one single ritual in mating. But my sexuality becomes more potent on Ostara. I smell the sweetness in the air and notice all the animals in pairs on this day and how everything is in synch. I feel the spirits of sexuality and birth and fertility even stronger than any other day. I mean there is just something about Ostara that makes two seem more balanced than ever. It finally happened for me. I went to a friend’s house who I was actually trying to end what ever it was between us because I felt we were at a dead end in our relationship as I wanted more he wanted less and I was very upset and decided to leave and hugged him good bye but right when I hugged him I felt our hearts beating in synch and a rush of energy flowing through me and him. The windows were closed but we both smelled the sweet air I asked him if he felt it too and he did. We didn’t speak but our minds were transpiring back and forth and we were connected. In other words the sex was the best it ever was between us we both couldn’t stop and it lasted for hours. I finally called her name out loud Ostara! I said it three times and the window blew open from the inside and the doors blew closed.
 The rest of the day went well. Pretty mundane for the most part besides continuing to watch everything in synch. It wasn’t until close to midnight that I finally climaxed sexually. I lost all of my tools in the move and haven’t been able to do a proper ritual in months but nevertheless I decided to dedicate my climax to her I used my seed on an egg at first I was going to bury it but I threw it at the moon at 11:59 over my fence and I knew once my seed touched the yolk it would be the sign of fertility.
  I personally am not modest with my sexuality as it’s not in my nature to hide or think of it as taboo, and my spirituality has a large play in my sexuality, however I feel like a part of me has gone through a rebirth as a direct result of Ostara. It gave me a new appreciation to the Sabbats and from the rebirth I find myself willing to completely give my life to the lighter grey path as I have practiced the dark side most of my pagan life since 9. Anyways thank you for letting me share my story.