Saturday, April 21, 2012

Why I've become a jaded bitch.

I think it's time to say what's been really bothering me. Because I've been holding it in and letting the anger and resentment completely rule me. I wrote about this before in "What's the difference between queers and nazis?" post only it was generalized.....

The truth is I know I have alienated people lately with my bitterness and negativity but this was going on for years before I started behaving the way I do. I have learned to hate the gay community even more so lately. I get it more in the rooms of AA. The cliques made me both angry and depressed because no matter what I do I don't fit at all and felt very unwelcome in the gay rooms, and for a while I was starting to think it was just me, maybe there was something wrong with my way of thinking. Then my resentment was a reality. I remember I went to the meetings saying I needed a support group and so on and that never really happened. I mean sure at the meetings I got that, but after I would always go home by myself hardly ever invited anywhere. I began to just accept that as my reality. But then I got a member of my halfway here a few years younger, cute and whiter. Need I say more? Attention, love, support, and everything I never had. Last week after the meeting I was asking people what they were doing. They all said they had other plans. I later found out those plans included my housemate and all of them going to dinner with him. I wasn't invited. That was one of many examples. That's my weekends. Home meetings being blown off after and going home. I've even asked people if they were going places later, only to hear them say no, and find them there.....

This isn't the first time it's been like this. I'm not welcome and that's the reality I live with at this point, and when I vocalize it people tell me I'm throwing a pity party. I guess having hurt feelings and low self esteem is pity. I guess reaching out and having my hand slapped away left to drown because I'm not attractive or white is self pity. I'm angry and have no way of saying anything.

Now my bitterness has turned into darkness and becoming jaded and melancholy has become my own prison. This has been the story of my life since I was a teenager. The truth is I never fit. girls would always say how hot I was and how they don't understand why I have problems getting guys while my own kind has always given me a thousand reasons why I'm not attractive.

I also used to hang out with neo nazis as a teenager (literally) who were less judgmental  than the gay culture. When I moved to the northeast it wasn't a problem anymore. I was accepted just fine and didn't have problems in the gay scene, then again I wasn't all that involved in the gay culture because I was involved in relationships and the underground punk scene where there are lots of other fetish-punk sinister queers like myself....

Now it's very lonely and I find myself on the outside, fading into the background and feeling like an empty shell of a human......It doesn't end and get's worse everyday. I don't want to use or drink, but I don't want to feel like this anymore. I am so angst that it makes me alienate those who do like me and want me around, but yet I can't help it. The constant rejection the cliques, the beautiful people making me feel ugly as sin. Just like my school year when even the kids who were made fun of making fun of me so they could fit in better, the rejects who used to hang out with me who turned on me to get ranks of popularity.....Now I'm feeling sorry for myself. But you get what I mean....Anyways I can't write anymore. I'm just gonna fall asleep...Tomorrow will be better that's what they say. My questions are: Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I the only person who feels this way?

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Ostara My experience and twist with the ancient holiday

I remember it was St. Patrick’s massacre day I got very huffy and puffy about pagan holidays being converted into xtian and catholic holidays. It was the first time ever that it meant so much to me. I began with refusing to wear green because it supported the murder of innocent people. I even ranted about it on facebook and said at the end “Don’t even get me started on Easter”
 The truth is all of my information about the sabbats and rituals and history didn’t come from books or word of mouth but from spirits. I would write about these things and talk about things I didn’t think I knew anything  about. Then I would look into the history and find I was writing word for word these pieces of history.
        So let me talk about Ostara and my experience with it. It’s no secret nor surprise where the egg laying hare and the goddess of fertility come to play on this holiday I will only speak of how it worked with me and how I showed my thanks.
I received a text message from an atheist friend of mine saying “Happy pagan fuck day!”  I could only laugh because I hate to admit it but it is kind of true. For me since I do not procreate when I have sex because there is no spell for making another guy pregnant no matter how hard I channel the ancient energies I have not found one single ritual in mating. But my sexuality becomes more potent on Ostara. I smell the sweetness in the air and notice all the animals in pairs on this day and how everything is in synch. I feel the spirits of sexuality and birth and fertility even stronger than any other day. I mean there is just something about Ostara that makes two seem more balanced than ever. It finally happened for me. I went to a friend’s house who I was actually trying to end what ever it was between us because I felt we were at a dead end in our relationship as I wanted more he wanted less and I was very upset and decided to leave and hugged him good bye but right when I hugged him I felt our hearts beating in synch and a rush of energy flowing through me and him. The windows were closed but we both smelled the sweet air I asked him if he felt it too and he did. We didn’t speak but our minds were transpiring back and forth and we were connected. In other words the sex was the best it ever was between us we both couldn’t stop and it lasted for hours. I finally called her name out loud Ostara! I said it three times and the window blew open from the inside and the doors blew closed.
 The rest of the day went well. Pretty mundane for the most part besides continuing to watch everything in synch. It wasn’t until close to midnight that I finally climaxed sexually. I lost all of my tools in the move and haven’t been able to do a proper ritual in months but nevertheless I decided to dedicate my climax to her I used my seed on an egg at first I was going to bury it but I threw it at the moon at 11:59 over my fence and I knew once my seed touched the yolk it would be the sign of fertility.
  I personally am not modest with my sexuality as it’s not in my nature to hide or think of it as taboo, and my spirituality has a large play in my sexuality, however I feel like a part of me has gone through a rebirth as a direct result of Ostara. It gave me a new appreciation to the Sabbats and from the rebirth I find myself willing to completely give my life to the lighter grey path as I have practiced the dark side most of my pagan life since 9. Anyways thank you for letting me share my story.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Giving back

When I came down here for rehab I didn't know what plans I was going to make. Originally I thought I was only going to stay for treatment and go live with my mother for a little bit and return home to Jersey to my condo, husband and dog and live the suburban life and leave the world of addiction behind me. A couple weeks later that all changed when I woke up and realized I couldn't go back. I stayed in bed looking at the ceiling and realized that going back to NJ would release my addiction all over again.

My mother and I had a fight when i told her I was staying. She didn't understand why I couldn't be around family and I didn't understand her point of view on all of this. We didn't speak for a month as a result which hurt like hell because we hadn't spoken for 8 years and every day of those 8 years I felt completely empty inside. But we surpassed it and now we are closer than ever.
  My husband on the other hand wasn't that easy to explain this all to. I kept putting it off until about a week before I left treatment. I asked him for a divorce......

I'm not going to talk about everything that happened after because it all really boils down to this point in time in my life. I made a decision that is going to have an even bigger impact on those who I love.
About a week ago my friend Rhino from Seattle asked me to move to Texas and work as his assistant. I had to decline because I'm not ready to leave Florida at this time. However he gave me another proposition which led me to make the decision I made now. He wants me to come to Texas when he opens a youth shelter and work there. He said he wouldn't take no for an answer and when that time comes I am definitely considering it because it's my dream. It's an opportunity that I always had a passion for because as written before I was a homeless addicted youth struggling with my sexuality and so on.
  For a while I wanted to leave halfway and start living my life but something snapped in me when a roommate of mine lost his mind and was taken away in the ambulance, and I caught another house mate relapsing. I decided to not only stay, but also work here when I get my year. One of my house managers will eventually be moving on from here and I want to take his place when he leaves. In the mean time I want to stay here.

When I moved here I came with a heavy debt to this place. They took me in when I had absolutely no job and no money and they never take people in without the two. But they took a chance on me and I only have a short time before I am completely paid in full. I have kept my end of the bargain and have decided that I would be doing a major disservice to myself if I didn't help others. I talk to management daily and have developed a close relationship and friendship with them and the owners not saying we're buddies as I am a client and they are the management and we have to separate the lines between client and employee, it is professional. One of the head owners is my therapist here so that is how it is here. But they have become my family down here as well as the other clients here.
I can't leave here because I owe them my life right now. So there you have it. I am staying here indefinitely. When it is my time to leave I will know it. And quite frankly I have had and still have opportunities to move out, but it just isn't right at this time for me. I have been thinking of being employed here for a couple of months now, and I still don't have a year yet so who knows what will happen. All I know is I want to give back to this program. I also want to eventually run my own house for the homeless and addicted GLBT community. I may not have a degree but I have enough life experience in the field.....

Anyways I have a meeting to secretary so I'm gonna get going. Have a beautiful day.....

Sunday, March 11, 2012

My struggle with PAWS

My anger management issues have become something that hits me in ways I absolutely hate about myself. Ever since I got sober I get mood swings, resentments and fits of sadness. They say its called PAWS: Post Acute Withdraw Syndrome.

One minute I'm completely happy then something sets me off. Today was verbally the worst I've had I snapped on a housemate for no reason. I just verbally attacked him for being concerned about me throwing my keys in a bad way. I called him a fucking breeder, and he said he would kick my ass if I ever talked to him like that again then slammed the door in his face and told him to go fuck himself. I snapped on my house manager.
This all started this morning when I left for work and the new inter tube i just put in my front tire for my bike was flat. I was a mile away from home and it was raining and I had to change the tube in a restaurant parking lot during their rush and asked the manager several times for a wrench. She helped me but you could tell she was getting annoyed. I paid her for her trouble but she gave me back my money and said "You have enough to worry about"  I then rode my bike to work which I think was the only thing that went smoothly. I only did two verifications the entire time I was there. Then I rode my bike home and the gears started slipping. At first it was ok but the closer I got home as they slipped I found the clicking sound to be very annoying and the pedals slipping making me lose balance started making me think of everything that has ever pissed me off over the course of these past 7 months and I started screaming.
I just wanted to kill someone by the time I got home. Every bit of anger I had I just wanted someone to be as angry as me I wanted every single human to be as miserable as I was and that's when I screamed at my housemate. I went to the house meeting so angry that I didn't even say the serenity prayer, I never skip that prayer. I was pissed off too because another housemate got called to do a chore before me. They were supposed to call us by order of who has been working the longest but they overlooked me and he took my chore. I was so angry and wanted to just scream at him saying "Well every time you get that fucking chore I end up having to do it any way because you never fucking actually do it!" Again my anger was boiling and that's when I approached my house manager and said in a passive aggressive way "Isn't the list supposed to go by who has been working the longest?" He apologized it really was an honest mistake but I shot him the most dirty look and said "Yeah you always make that mistake and overlook me, I have been working a full time job since before I even came here and he has been here six months longer than me and didn't even get a job until I was here for 3 months. This is bullshit!" And I went into my room and didn't come out for about an hour. I was on that stupid cruising site again because I wanted to escape into the land of sex. I am now beginning to see why they had a block on that site because I get even more resentments when I go on that site because I am constantly rejected for not meeting the laundry list of requirements these guys have, or they make up excuses as to why they can't do it now......So yeah I was acting in very unhealthy ways today.
   I know these sound like small things that shouldn't bother me. But there is something deep seated in what I'm saying.

OMG now I'm wanting to cry over the poor duck family I saw in the alley way. A mother duck with her 3 babies were trying to get the dead baby to move that got ran over.......I cried for about a half hour because it reminded me of how unfair life was.

Do you see this? I am an emotional wreck. It's no wonder people don't want to hang out with me. I really do have issues. The thing about early recovery in my case is, this isn't my story alone. People I have met who have any length of sobriety get manic after about 4 months. Which my PAWS came right after I got out of rehab. It started when some guy called me a nigger. There was no going back since then. Then I completely hated other gays and considered them to be bigoted pieces of judgmental shit. As I have even posted about in a prior article. Then I hated the AA cliques. Then it was this then it was that. Then it was just me.
I realize that this is my disease talking to me in my own voice again. But It's ok because my solution to the problem is I am going to therapy starting tuesday and I will be able to process my anger in healthy ways. I just have to accept life on life's terms and stop trying to rule the world and let my higher powers do their job....

Monday, March 5, 2012

My side of the street has a little trash on it....

Ok well I think I might have an issue. Well, another issue.

I think I might be experiencing a case of hetero-phobia. I live in a halfway house that isn't a gay halfway house per-say but it is by reputation and known for being mostly gay. I mean I heard of it's reputation and immediately wanted to come here because of it. And like I said before I have no qualms with this place as it is part of the reason I am sitting here alive writing this.

This is not by any means a bashing post on the house I am living in because I truly do have the utmost respect for the staff, and owners. And yes even the residents even the ones I don't get along with.
I guess I have a resentment and it's not a good one to have, because I am the first person to say we are all equal, especially when it comes to being in the grip of this powerful disease of addiction.

When I first came here there were 2 straight guys and they both lived in my apartment while all the other rooms were filled with gay people. I was slightly resentful because I just left a treatment center full of straight people. While in treatment I endured a lot of bigotry from straight guys and it left me bitter. We would go to the gay based meetings and they would come and make jokes in the background and laugh while people were sharing, and in the vans they would start talking with lisps acting very immature.

I put this halfway on a pedestal thinking I wouldn't have to deal with those kinds of straight people here. I lived with the two straight guys here and was actually fine with them because they were older and mature.
The experience I dealt  with at the place I was in made me automatically hate younger straight guys. When I woke up one morning I saw a new kid here. He was straight. Immediately I disliked him and didn't know him. I began passing judgement and even mentally thought to myself how I wished he would do something to get kicked out. When he relapsed and got kicked out for 3 days I felt bad for him but didn't want him coming back. Then they said they were moving him into my room when he came back. I flipped out screaming at management and made up excuses when really I was saying I didn't want to live with another breeder.

I got over my bigotry to him when he came back and realized how silly I was being. He didn't move into my room after the scene I made and I was happy about that. End of story. We're friends now.
But the other day I found out one of his friends is moving in and my bigotry came back. I found myself thinking how there are plenty of gay people in recovery on waiting lists to get in here and another breeder get's to come in with no problems, because he knows a resident. It started making me think how they are going to take over this place. I want so much to have a say in it but even if I did I would be the only one who thinks this way.

You see, I know the way I'm thinking is wrong.
This way of thinking goes way before what happened at the treatment center. This started from my grade school days where I was constantly harassed and beat up for being the way I was. Every day was a living hell growing up. Even on the streets I dealt with that hatred and bigotry. It turned me sour against straight guys. I found them all to be ignorant neanderthals. And for the most part I was right. I mean most young straight guys are dumbass rude arrogant homophobic bastards. Now I didn't say all.

I'm not like a lot of people. When I hear of other queers seducing a straight guy I get pissed off. How dare they think they are straight in the first place! When I think a guy is cute and he turns out to be straight I quickly hate them and stop talking to them completely. I have a lot of straight friends which is why I know my thinking is wrong. I just can't get over the anger I feel when I have to live with younger straight guys. I'm fine with them everywhere else. Why not here?

I hate the fact that I will judge them so quickly without giving them a chance. But honestly I just wish they would go down the waiting list of they gay people who are trying to get in and put straights on the bottom of the list.

Wow I really need to work this out with myself. My side of the street is dirty.......

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Song Of the Banshee.

I wrote this all from Siouxsie Lyrics. It's no secret I'm a Banshee boy! So this is dedicated to you. Other fans will try to rip this off taking credit for it. So I decided to put it in my blog so I can honestly keep it before it is forever lost in the world of the internet.

"Song of the Banshee" a tribute poem by Wes (words all from various siouxsie/banshees/creatures songs)

 Laughter cracks through the walls as the frost bites my face,
look me in the eyes as I'm falling from grace.
A beckoning bouquet of blossoming lust,
I'm hearing you call from the cities in dust.
I heard a rumor of what has been done,
the nails deep in my head and the sound of the drum.
The waves crashing down on the venus sands,
instilling a lie to view perfect lands.
The placebo affect as we're all falling down,
the poppies are growing and I'm hearing the sound.
We shall not slither or wither away,
for the shooting sun rises whilst the ice names the day.
We're laughing and mocking the eyes that will scorn,
I'm designing the changes with no more forlorn.
Who needs the day to trouble the fear?
Your murdering mouth is all that I hear.
Magic in her hands as the dead flower grows,
her green fingers blossom the cannibal rose.
So here I am with a glittering prize,
it dazzles the mind with the light in your eyes.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Love and early recovery..... My side of the story

Ok well I have to post about this because I have learned from experience.

When I was still in treatment my counselor said "You will make it as long as you stay out of relationships." I hated her for that despite the fact that she was right. When I was leaving treatment there were 12 people in my primary therapy group 11 of them said their only concern for me was getting involved. I smiled when really I said "Fuck you" in my head.
  I am going through a divorce so at first I wasn't ready for a relationship any way so where they would think I wanted to find love again I don't know. I was in denial. Right when I got out I met this guy who I had a crush on. Rejected! Met another guy. Rejected! My self esteem immediately was blown.......
   I watched almost all of my friends get involved from rehab. A few of them met in rehab. They all relapsed (two i'm not sure of). One died.  I watched a few others going out on dates and hitting it off with guys. I became enraged. My former sponsor got involved 10 minutes after getting his year. I went over the edge and came unglued.
    I met a guy in my halfway house, we played grab ass for a few weeks before we had sex. not even 3 days after turns out he was using the whole time and it came out in the open. Needless to say I almost got thrown out of my halfway for having sex with a guy. However, that's not the point. After we had sex I was torn up because I really liked him, even after he relapsed. I had coffee with him and talked about it. Rejected.
  Then I turned to an undisclosed online dating service. Met a lot of guys looking for what I was looking for, I really started to believe the lies I was telling myself. That nothing could tear me up inside, that I was somehow different. So the first guy I met online I went out on a date with him, we hit it off right away. Then I went to his house that weekend. He came. I haven't seen him since. This is something that kept happening repeatedly, I would meet a guy we'd hit it off, they would cum then they would kiss me off.
  I went for a guy in the rooms again. One who was so sweet, and really seemed like a great guy. I barely touched him he came, he's been a real fuckwad of a human to me ever since, blamed me not being a bottom on why we wouldn't work. Rejected.
     He was the last of the love I was seeking for a while. I became so entangled in sex, having it with everyone and anyone. If I didn't like them I would still have sex with them but the moment I got what I wanted I would leave. They would never hear from me again, and if they did, they wish they hadn't. I became exactly what was being done to me. Then I met a guy who was just a hook up. I began to like him and we kinda had something going. Until I went to his house and found three tweaker twinks fucking him in a sling. I don't know if I felt betrayed or just mad I wasn't invited or both. He came outside and told me he didn't know if they were high and didn't want to expose me to that. I later went back to his house to return his plate he let me borrow. At the last minute I thought it was a frisbee and thought his window needed to be opened permanently.
 Two days later he asked me back to his house and we made up. Then I dumped him.
   I still had not learned my lesson. I met another guy. Went on several dates with him and we really hit it off. I really liked him, he really liked me, everything was going great. Until one day he didn't call me. Then he didn't answer his phone. Then it was over. I wanted to die, thought I would but I didn't. a friend laughed and said "That's ok you shouldn't have been getting involved anyway" I said "I don't want to hear it at all" I didn't yell but the way I said it was in that certain way that says "fuck off"

I didn't handle it well. It consumed me to the point where I made some very poor choices. So poor I won't say what I did, however I managed to not use or drink over it....In the end a man isn't going to determine my fate in recovery.

I finally realized what I was doing though. I was replacing the drugs and booze with sex and love. I craved love like I craved heroin, it even made me sick as if i were withdrawing. Sex was becoming a major addiction as well.

Through all of it I have come to terms with the fact that I personally can not get serious with someone. Not right now any way. I personally don't feel like I'm ready to make that commitment right now because of the fact that it becomes consuming, and steers me away from what my real focus should be. Myself.
I am not by any means saying that if the right guy comes along I'll shut him out completely. I'm just saying not now.
As far as sex is concerned. I love sex, however I am not in the mood right now. Sex is another distraction and a way to step outside of myself and just like drugs it can take on a life of it's own.

In the end I just want my own apartment on my own or with roommates who I have no interest in sexually and a dog. That's my goal. I'm starting to really value my time alone and being single. That all being said, I will not suggest that anyone not get involved, because in early recovery, suggestions sometimes sound like rules or preaching and most of us addicts and alcoholics have a problem following rules and ignore preaching.....