Friday, March 23, 2012

Giving back

When I came down here for rehab I didn't know what plans I was going to make. Originally I thought I was only going to stay for treatment and go live with my mother for a little bit and return home to Jersey to my condo, husband and dog and live the suburban life and leave the world of addiction behind me. A couple weeks later that all changed when I woke up and realized I couldn't go back. I stayed in bed looking at the ceiling and realized that going back to NJ would release my addiction all over again.

My mother and I had a fight when i told her I was staying. She didn't understand why I couldn't be around family and I didn't understand her point of view on all of this. We didn't speak for a month as a result which hurt like hell because we hadn't spoken for 8 years and every day of those 8 years I felt completely empty inside. But we surpassed it and now we are closer than ever.
  My husband on the other hand wasn't that easy to explain this all to. I kept putting it off until about a week before I left treatment. I asked him for a divorce......

I'm not going to talk about everything that happened after because it all really boils down to this point in time in my life. I made a decision that is going to have an even bigger impact on those who I love.
About a week ago my friend Rhino from Seattle asked me to move to Texas and work as his assistant. I had to decline because I'm not ready to leave Florida at this time. However he gave me another proposition which led me to make the decision I made now. He wants me to come to Texas when he opens a youth shelter and work there. He said he wouldn't take no for an answer and when that time comes I am definitely considering it because it's my dream. It's an opportunity that I always had a passion for because as written before I was a homeless addicted youth struggling with my sexuality and so on.
  For a while I wanted to leave halfway and start living my life but something snapped in me when a roommate of mine lost his mind and was taken away in the ambulance, and I caught another house mate relapsing. I decided to not only stay, but also work here when I get my year. One of my house managers will eventually be moving on from here and I want to take his place when he leaves. In the mean time I want to stay here.

When I moved here I came with a heavy debt to this place. They took me in when I had absolutely no job and no money and they never take people in without the two. But they took a chance on me and I only have a short time before I am completely paid in full. I have kept my end of the bargain and have decided that I would be doing a major disservice to myself if I didn't help others. I talk to management daily and have developed a close relationship and friendship with them and the owners not saying we're buddies as I am a client and they are the management and we have to separate the lines between client and employee, it is professional. One of the head owners is my therapist here so that is how it is here. But they have become my family down here as well as the other clients here.
I can't leave here because I owe them my life right now. So there you have it. I am staying here indefinitely. When it is my time to leave I will know it. And quite frankly I have had and still have opportunities to move out, but it just isn't right at this time for me. I have been thinking of being employed here for a couple of months now, and I still don't have a year yet so who knows what will happen. All I know is I want to give back to this program. I also want to eventually run my own house for the homeless and addicted GLBT community. I may not have a degree but I have enough life experience in the field.....

Anyways I have a meeting to secretary so I'm gonna get going. Have a beautiful day.....

Sunday, March 11, 2012

My struggle with PAWS

My anger management issues have become something that hits me in ways I absolutely hate about myself. Ever since I got sober I get mood swings, resentments and fits of sadness. They say its called PAWS: Post Acute Withdraw Syndrome.

One minute I'm completely happy then something sets me off. Today was verbally the worst I've had I snapped on a housemate for no reason. I just verbally attacked him for being concerned about me throwing my keys in a bad way. I called him a fucking breeder, and he said he would kick my ass if I ever talked to him like that again then slammed the door in his face and told him to go fuck himself. I snapped on my house manager.
This all started this morning when I left for work and the new inter tube i just put in my front tire for my bike was flat. I was a mile away from home and it was raining and I had to change the tube in a restaurant parking lot during their rush and asked the manager several times for a wrench. She helped me but you could tell she was getting annoyed. I paid her for her trouble but she gave me back my money and said "You have enough to worry about"  I then rode my bike to work which I think was the only thing that went smoothly. I only did two verifications the entire time I was there. Then I rode my bike home and the gears started slipping. At first it was ok but the closer I got home as they slipped I found the clicking sound to be very annoying and the pedals slipping making me lose balance started making me think of everything that has ever pissed me off over the course of these past 7 months and I started screaming.
I just wanted to kill someone by the time I got home. Every bit of anger I had I just wanted someone to be as angry as me I wanted every single human to be as miserable as I was and that's when I screamed at my housemate. I went to the house meeting so angry that I didn't even say the serenity prayer, I never skip that prayer. I was pissed off too because another housemate got called to do a chore before me. They were supposed to call us by order of who has been working the longest but they overlooked me and he took my chore. I was so angry and wanted to just scream at him saying "Well every time you get that fucking chore I end up having to do it any way because you never fucking actually do it!" Again my anger was boiling and that's when I approached my house manager and said in a passive aggressive way "Isn't the list supposed to go by who has been working the longest?" He apologized it really was an honest mistake but I shot him the most dirty look and said "Yeah you always make that mistake and overlook me, I have been working a full time job since before I even came here and he has been here six months longer than me and didn't even get a job until I was here for 3 months. This is bullshit!" And I went into my room and didn't come out for about an hour. I was on that stupid cruising site again because I wanted to escape into the land of sex. I am now beginning to see why they had a block on that site because I get even more resentments when I go on that site because I am constantly rejected for not meeting the laundry list of requirements these guys have, or they make up excuses as to why they can't do it now......So yeah I was acting in very unhealthy ways today.
   I know these sound like small things that shouldn't bother me. But there is something deep seated in what I'm saying.

OMG now I'm wanting to cry over the poor duck family I saw in the alley way. A mother duck with her 3 babies were trying to get the dead baby to move that got ran over.......I cried for about a half hour because it reminded me of how unfair life was.

Do you see this? I am an emotional wreck. It's no wonder people don't want to hang out with me. I really do have issues. The thing about early recovery in my case is, this isn't my story alone. People I have met who have any length of sobriety get manic after about 4 months. Which my PAWS came right after I got out of rehab. It started when some guy called me a nigger. There was no going back since then. Then I completely hated other gays and considered them to be bigoted pieces of judgmental shit. As I have even posted about in a prior article. Then I hated the AA cliques. Then it was this then it was that. Then it was just me.
I realize that this is my disease talking to me in my own voice again. But It's ok because my solution to the problem is I am going to therapy starting tuesday and I will be able to process my anger in healthy ways. I just have to accept life on life's terms and stop trying to rule the world and let my higher powers do their job....

Monday, March 5, 2012

My side of the street has a little trash on it....

Ok well I think I might have an issue. Well, another issue.

I think I might be experiencing a case of hetero-phobia. I live in a halfway house that isn't a gay halfway house per-say but it is by reputation and known for being mostly gay. I mean I heard of it's reputation and immediately wanted to come here because of it. And like I said before I have no qualms with this place as it is part of the reason I am sitting here alive writing this.

This is not by any means a bashing post on the house I am living in because I truly do have the utmost respect for the staff, and owners. And yes even the residents even the ones I don't get along with.
I guess I have a resentment and it's not a good one to have, because I am the first person to say we are all equal, especially when it comes to being in the grip of this powerful disease of addiction.

When I first came here there were 2 straight guys and they both lived in my apartment while all the other rooms were filled with gay people. I was slightly resentful because I just left a treatment center full of straight people. While in treatment I endured a lot of bigotry from straight guys and it left me bitter. We would go to the gay based meetings and they would come and make jokes in the background and laugh while people were sharing, and in the vans they would start talking with lisps acting very immature.

I put this halfway on a pedestal thinking I wouldn't have to deal with those kinds of straight people here. I lived with the two straight guys here and was actually fine with them because they were older and mature.
The experience I dealt  with at the place I was in made me automatically hate younger straight guys. When I woke up one morning I saw a new kid here. He was straight. Immediately I disliked him and didn't know him. I began passing judgement and even mentally thought to myself how I wished he would do something to get kicked out. When he relapsed and got kicked out for 3 days I felt bad for him but didn't want him coming back. Then they said they were moving him into my room when he came back. I flipped out screaming at management and made up excuses when really I was saying I didn't want to live with another breeder.

I got over my bigotry to him when he came back and realized how silly I was being. He didn't move into my room after the scene I made and I was happy about that. End of story. We're friends now.
But the other day I found out one of his friends is moving in and my bigotry came back. I found myself thinking how there are plenty of gay people in recovery on waiting lists to get in here and another breeder get's to come in with no problems, because he knows a resident. It started making me think how they are going to take over this place. I want so much to have a say in it but even if I did I would be the only one who thinks this way.

You see, I know the way I'm thinking is wrong.
This way of thinking goes way before what happened at the treatment center. This started from my grade school days where I was constantly harassed and beat up for being the way I was. Every day was a living hell growing up. Even on the streets I dealt with that hatred and bigotry. It turned me sour against straight guys. I found them all to be ignorant neanderthals. And for the most part I was right. I mean most young straight guys are dumbass rude arrogant homophobic bastards. Now I didn't say all.

I'm not like a lot of people. When I hear of other queers seducing a straight guy I get pissed off. How dare they think they are straight in the first place! When I think a guy is cute and he turns out to be straight I quickly hate them and stop talking to them completely. I have a lot of straight friends which is why I know my thinking is wrong. I just can't get over the anger I feel when I have to live with younger straight guys. I'm fine with them everywhere else. Why not here?

I hate the fact that I will judge them so quickly without giving them a chance. But honestly I just wish they would go down the waiting list of they gay people who are trying to get in and put straights on the bottom of the list.

Wow I really need to work this out with myself. My side of the street is dirty.......

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Song Of the Banshee.

I wrote this all from Siouxsie Lyrics. It's no secret I'm a Banshee boy! So this is dedicated to you. Other fans will try to rip this off taking credit for it. So I decided to put it in my blog so I can honestly keep it before it is forever lost in the world of the internet.

"Song of the Banshee" a tribute poem by Wes (words all from various siouxsie/banshees/creatures songs)

 Laughter cracks through the walls as the frost bites my face,
look me in the eyes as I'm falling from grace.
A beckoning bouquet of blossoming lust,
I'm hearing you call from the cities in dust.
I heard a rumor of what has been done,
the nails deep in my head and the sound of the drum.
The waves crashing down on the venus sands,
instilling a lie to view perfect lands.
The placebo affect as we're all falling down,
the poppies are growing and I'm hearing the sound.
We shall not slither or wither away,
for the shooting sun rises whilst the ice names the day.
We're laughing and mocking the eyes that will scorn,
I'm designing the changes with no more forlorn.
Who needs the day to trouble the fear?
Your murdering mouth is all that I hear.
Magic in her hands as the dead flower grows,
her green fingers blossom the cannibal rose.
So here I am with a glittering prize,
it dazzles the mind with the light in your eyes.