Sunday, March 11, 2012

My struggle with PAWS

My anger management issues have become something that hits me in ways I absolutely hate about myself. Ever since I got sober I get mood swings, resentments and fits of sadness. They say its called PAWS: Post Acute Withdraw Syndrome.

One minute I'm completely happy then something sets me off. Today was verbally the worst I've had I snapped on a housemate for no reason. I just verbally attacked him for being concerned about me throwing my keys in a bad way. I called him a fucking breeder, and he said he would kick my ass if I ever talked to him like that again then slammed the door in his face and told him to go fuck himself. I snapped on my house manager.
This all started this morning when I left for work and the new inter tube i just put in my front tire for my bike was flat. I was a mile away from home and it was raining and I had to change the tube in a restaurant parking lot during their rush and asked the manager several times for a wrench. She helped me but you could tell she was getting annoyed. I paid her for her trouble but she gave me back my money and said "You have enough to worry about"  I then rode my bike to work which I think was the only thing that went smoothly. I only did two verifications the entire time I was there. Then I rode my bike home and the gears started slipping. At first it was ok but the closer I got home as they slipped I found the clicking sound to be very annoying and the pedals slipping making me lose balance started making me think of everything that has ever pissed me off over the course of these past 7 months and I started screaming.
I just wanted to kill someone by the time I got home. Every bit of anger I had I just wanted someone to be as angry as me I wanted every single human to be as miserable as I was and that's when I screamed at my housemate. I went to the house meeting so angry that I didn't even say the serenity prayer, I never skip that prayer. I was pissed off too because another housemate got called to do a chore before me. They were supposed to call us by order of who has been working the longest but they overlooked me and he took my chore. I was so angry and wanted to just scream at him saying "Well every time you get that fucking chore I end up having to do it any way because you never fucking actually do it!" Again my anger was boiling and that's when I approached my house manager and said in a passive aggressive way "Isn't the list supposed to go by who has been working the longest?" He apologized it really was an honest mistake but I shot him the most dirty look and said "Yeah you always make that mistake and overlook me, I have been working a full time job since before I even came here and he has been here six months longer than me and didn't even get a job until I was here for 3 months. This is bullshit!" And I went into my room and didn't come out for about an hour. I was on that stupid cruising site again because I wanted to escape into the land of sex. I am now beginning to see why they had a block on that site because I get even more resentments when I go on that site because I am constantly rejected for not meeting the laundry list of requirements these guys have, or they make up excuses as to why they can't do it now......So yeah I was acting in very unhealthy ways today.
   I know these sound like small things that shouldn't bother me. But there is something deep seated in what I'm saying.

OMG now I'm wanting to cry over the poor duck family I saw in the alley way. A mother duck with her 3 babies were trying to get the dead baby to move that got ran over.......I cried for about a half hour because it reminded me of how unfair life was.

Do you see this? I am an emotional wreck. It's no wonder people don't want to hang out with me. I really do have issues. The thing about early recovery in my case is, this isn't my story alone. People I have met who have any length of sobriety get manic after about 4 months. Which my PAWS came right after I got out of rehab. It started when some guy called me a nigger. There was no going back since then. Then I completely hated other gays and considered them to be bigoted pieces of judgmental shit. As I have even posted about in a prior article. Then I hated the AA cliques. Then it was this then it was that. Then it was just me.
I realize that this is my disease talking to me in my own voice again. But It's ok because my solution to the problem is I am going to therapy starting tuesday and I will be able to process my anger in healthy ways. I just have to accept life on life's terms and stop trying to rule the world and let my higher powers do their job....


  1. Wes...
    Damn aint alone. I feel the same way every day.It all fucking sucks, I hate going to meetings now but I know I have to. I had some stupid asshole text me as I was walking out of a toxic meeting today. I replied because the other people in there were acting like nazi's....half hour later I get a call from his fucking wife saying that my walking out would only cause more did- with them and no one else. I snapped too

  2. Believe me I have been in my share of toxic meetings too. I even became assistant GSR and made it my home group. 6 months I went there and I still never fit in to the cliques. I finally started making up excuses when people would ask me where I was. I told them I was going to different meetings because I wanted to sleep in when really I was so resentful and angry with the hypocrisy and cliques and the gossip and being on the receiving end of it. I was tired of wondering if I was in recovery or highschool. It was so bad I was dreaming I was in that meeting and it actually was a highschool and i was being bullied by the popular kids.
    In real life someone called me an outcast. They say that AA is a fellowship of people who normally wouldn't mix. Unfortunately some meetings consist of people who normally would have mixed. So I decided to switch homegroups and am stepping down from my service position at the next business meeting. The new meeting is a lot more for me. I can't completely bad mouth my former homegroup too much because it was there when I needed it but it was time to go.