Monday, March 5, 2012

My side of the street has a little trash on it....

Ok well I think I might have an issue. Well, another issue.

I think I might be experiencing a case of hetero-phobia. I live in a halfway house that isn't a gay halfway house per-say but it is by reputation and known for being mostly gay. I mean I heard of it's reputation and immediately wanted to come here because of it. And like I said before I have no qualms with this place as it is part of the reason I am sitting here alive writing this.

This is not by any means a bashing post on the house I am living in because I truly do have the utmost respect for the staff, and owners. And yes even the residents even the ones I don't get along with.
I guess I have a resentment and it's not a good one to have, because I am the first person to say we are all equal, especially when it comes to being in the grip of this powerful disease of addiction.

When I first came here there were 2 straight guys and they both lived in my apartment while all the other rooms were filled with gay people. I was slightly resentful because I just left a treatment center full of straight people. While in treatment I endured a lot of bigotry from straight guys and it left me bitter. We would go to the gay based meetings and they would come and make jokes in the background and laugh while people were sharing, and in the vans they would start talking with lisps acting very immature.

I put this halfway on a pedestal thinking I wouldn't have to deal with those kinds of straight people here. I lived with the two straight guys here and was actually fine with them because they were older and mature.
The experience I dealt  with at the place I was in made me automatically hate younger straight guys. When I woke up one morning I saw a new kid here. He was straight. Immediately I disliked him and didn't know him. I began passing judgement and even mentally thought to myself how I wished he would do something to get kicked out. When he relapsed and got kicked out for 3 days I felt bad for him but didn't want him coming back. Then they said they were moving him into my room when he came back. I flipped out screaming at management and made up excuses when really I was saying I didn't want to live with another breeder.

I got over my bigotry to him when he came back and realized how silly I was being. He didn't move into my room after the scene I made and I was happy about that. End of story. We're friends now.
But the other day I found out one of his friends is moving in and my bigotry came back. I found myself thinking how there are plenty of gay people in recovery on waiting lists to get in here and another breeder get's to come in with no problems, because he knows a resident. It started making me think how they are going to take over this place. I want so much to have a say in it but even if I did I would be the only one who thinks this way.

You see, I know the way I'm thinking is wrong.
This way of thinking goes way before what happened at the treatment center. This started from my grade school days where I was constantly harassed and beat up for being the way I was. Every day was a living hell growing up. Even on the streets I dealt with that hatred and bigotry. It turned me sour against straight guys. I found them all to be ignorant neanderthals. And for the most part I was right. I mean most young straight guys are dumbass rude arrogant homophobic bastards. Now I didn't say all.

I'm not like a lot of people. When I hear of other queers seducing a straight guy I get pissed off. How dare they think they are straight in the first place! When I think a guy is cute and he turns out to be straight I quickly hate them and stop talking to them completely. I have a lot of straight friends which is why I know my thinking is wrong. I just can't get over the anger I feel when I have to live with younger straight guys. I'm fine with them everywhere else. Why not here?

I hate the fact that I will judge them so quickly without giving them a chance. But honestly I just wish they would go down the waiting list of they gay people who are trying to get in and put straights on the bottom of the list.

Wow I really need to work this out with myself. My side of the street is dirty.......

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