Friday, March 23, 2012

Giving back

When I came down here for rehab I didn't know what plans I was going to make. Originally I thought I was only going to stay for treatment and go live with my mother for a little bit and return home to Jersey to my condo, husband and dog and live the suburban life and leave the world of addiction behind me. A couple weeks later that all changed when I woke up and realized I couldn't go back. I stayed in bed looking at the ceiling and realized that going back to NJ would release my addiction all over again.

My mother and I had a fight when i told her I was staying. She didn't understand why I couldn't be around family and I didn't understand her point of view on all of this. We didn't speak for a month as a result which hurt like hell because we hadn't spoken for 8 years and every day of those 8 years I felt completely empty inside. But we surpassed it and now we are closer than ever.
  My husband on the other hand wasn't that easy to explain this all to. I kept putting it off until about a week before I left treatment. I asked him for a divorce......

I'm not going to talk about everything that happened after because it all really boils down to this point in time in my life. I made a decision that is going to have an even bigger impact on those who I love.
About a week ago my friend Rhino from Seattle asked me to move to Texas and work as his assistant. I had to decline because I'm not ready to leave Florida at this time. However he gave me another proposition which led me to make the decision I made now. He wants me to come to Texas when he opens a youth shelter and work there. He said he wouldn't take no for an answer and when that time comes I am definitely considering it because it's my dream. It's an opportunity that I always had a passion for because as written before I was a homeless addicted youth struggling with my sexuality and so on.
  For a while I wanted to leave halfway and start living my life but something snapped in me when a roommate of mine lost his mind and was taken away in the ambulance, and I caught another house mate relapsing. I decided to not only stay, but also work here when I get my year. One of my house managers will eventually be moving on from here and I want to take his place when he leaves. In the mean time I want to stay here.

When I moved here I came with a heavy debt to this place. They took me in when I had absolutely no job and no money and they never take people in without the two. But they took a chance on me and I only have a short time before I am completely paid in full. I have kept my end of the bargain and have decided that I would be doing a major disservice to myself if I didn't help others. I talk to management daily and have developed a close relationship and friendship with them and the owners not saying we're buddies as I am a client and they are the management and we have to separate the lines between client and employee, it is professional. One of the head owners is my therapist here so that is how it is here. But they have become my family down here as well as the other clients here.
I can't leave here because I owe them my life right now. So there you have it. I am staying here indefinitely. When it is my time to leave I will know it. And quite frankly I have had and still have opportunities to move out, but it just isn't right at this time for me. I have been thinking of being employed here for a couple of months now, and I still don't have a year yet so who knows what will happen. All I know is I want to give back to this program. I also want to eventually run my own house for the homeless and addicted GLBT community. I may not have a degree but I have enough life experience in the field.....

Anyways I have a meeting to secretary so I'm gonna get going. Have a beautiful day.....

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