Sunday, February 26, 2012
Love and early recovery..... My side of the story
Ok well I have to post about this because I have learned from experience.
When I was still in treatment my counselor said "You will make it as long as you stay out of relationships." I hated her for that despite the fact that she was right. When I was leaving treatment there were 12 people in my primary therapy group 11 of them said their only concern for me was getting involved. I smiled when really I said "Fuck you" in my head.
I am going through a divorce so at first I wasn't ready for a relationship any way so where they would think I wanted to find love again I don't know. I was in denial. Right when I got out I met this guy who I had a crush on. Rejected! Met another guy. Rejected! My self esteem immediately was blown.......
I watched almost all of my friends get involved from rehab. A few of them met in rehab. They all relapsed (two i'm not sure of). One died. I watched a few others going out on dates and hitting it off with guys. I became enraged. My former sponsor got involved 10 minutes after getting his year. I went over the edge and came unglued.
I met a guy in my halfway house, we played grab ass for a few weeks before we had sex. not even 3 days after turns out he was using the whole time and it came out in the open. Needless to say I almost got thrown out of my halfway for having sex with a guy. However, that's not the point. After we had sex I was torn up because I really liked him, even after he relapsed. I had coffee with him and talked about it. Rejected.
Then I turned to an undisclosed online dating service. Met a lot of guys looking for what I was looking for, I really started to believe the lies I was telling myself. That nothing could tear me up inside, that I was somehow different. So the first guy I met online I went out on a date with him, we hit it off right away. Then I went to his house that weekend. He came. I haven't seen him since. This is something that kept happening repeatedly, I would meet a guy we'd hit it off, they would cum then they would kiss me off.
I went for a guy in the rooms again. One who was so sweet, and really seemed like a great guy. I barely touched him he came, he's been a real fuckwad of a human to me ever since, blamed me not being a bottom on why we wouldn't work. Rejected.
He was the last of the love I was seeking for a while. I became so entangled in sex, having it with everyone and anyone. If I didn't like them I would still have sex with them but the moment I got what I wanted I would leave. They would never hear from me again, and if they did, they wish they hadn't. I became exactly what was being done to me. Then I met a guy who was just a hook up. I began to like him and we kinda had something going. Until I went to his house and found three tweaker twinks fucking him in a sling. I don't know if I felt betrayed or just mad I wasn't invited or both. He came outside and told me he didn't know if they were high and didn't want to expose me to that. I later went back to his house to return his plate he let me borrow. At the last minute I thought it was a frisbee and thought his window needed to be opened permanently.
Two days later he asked me back to his house and we made up. Then I dumped him.
I still had not learned my lesson. I met another guy. Went on several dates with him and we really hit it off. I really liked him, he really liked me, everything was going great. Until one day he didn't call me. Then he didn't answer his phone. Then it was over. I wanted to die, thought I would but I didn't. a friend laughed and said "That's ok you shouldn't have been getting involved anyway" I said "I don't want to hear it at all" I didn't yell but the way I said it was in that certain way that says "fuck off"
I didn't handle it well. It consumed me to the point where I made some very poor choices. So poor I won't say what I did, however I managed to not use or drink over it....In the end a man isn't going to determine my fate in recovery.
I finally realized what I was doing though. I was replacing the drugs and booze with sex and love. I craved love like I craved heroin, it even made me sick as if i were withdrawing. Sex was becoming a major addiction as well.
Through all of it I have come to terms with the fact that I personally can not get serious with someone. Not right now any way. I personally don't feel like I'm ready to make that commitment right now because of the fact that it becomes consuming, and steers me away from what my real focus should be. Myself.
I am not by any means saying that if the right guy comes along I'll shut him out completely. I'm just saying not now.
As far as sex is concerned. I love sex, however I am not in the mood right now. Sex is another distraction and a way to step outside of myself and just like drugs it can take on a life of it's own.
In the end I just want my own apartment on my own or with roommates who I have no interest in sexually and a dog. That's my goal. I'm starting to really value my time alone and being single. That all being said, I will not suggest that anyone not get involved, because in early recovery, suggestions sometimes sound like rules or preaching and most of us addicts and alcoholics have a problem following rules and ignore preaching.....