Saturday, February 18, 2012

What's the difference between Queers and Nazis? Queers like the same sex!

Now for the post I've not been wanting to write about. However this is a growing issue. This is not a post of martyrdom. Perhaps it will open some eyes. Or maybe it won't. nevertheless it needs to be addressed.

Bigotry amongst the gay community.
When coming out of the closet at the age of 13 I thought the hardest part was over. I had no idea i would be faced with this however it became a real ordeal for me growing up. When I was a little kid my mother was refused by landlords, child care, shunned by friends and family. She didn't sugarcoat it for me she straight up told me it was because people were narrow-minded bigots. It didn't hurt my feelings though because I was loved by immediate family. I was raised by the white side of my family. I wasn't treated differently, and the family members who didn't like me weren't a part of my life.
              When I was going to school is when I really experienced racism. Not only by white kids but black kids as well for acting too white. The white kids used to say "Look at the nigger trying to be like us" While the black kids would say "He's think he's better than us"  

However I'm not here to talk about my school years of racism. I'm here to talk about my adult life and racism in a community you would not expect it from because as we all know, it doesn't matter what color we are we are all equally hated for being gay. It started as a teenager when I would notice my friends always getting guy's attention. At first I thought it was because I dressed punk. However when I hung out with my punk friends they had no problems. Then I was convinced I was just morbidly hideous to people. Then  a "friend" finally told me "it's because you're dark" Then I noticed it everywhere.

Like the Nazi's gay culture idolizes white skin, blond hair and blue eyes. If you don't have those things your chances are somewhat slimmer but here's where the loop-hole is. Now it's simply these following laundry lists of requirements: White or latino, hairless, wearing the latest fashion if you are different it has to be up to code, under 30 or looks like a god. Built to masculine if not you have to be anorexic looking. You must be perfect.

Gay punks: WHITE!

If you are black you must be masculine or gangster looking or the stereotypical vogue dancing queen.
If you don't fit in to any of these criteria you better have a shit load of money otherwise you're fucked!

Ok well I can vogue a little bit but that's because I know how to dance gothic as I was a goth growing up, I have only ever dated two gothic/punk rockers. The rest of them I have found to be completely rude or stuck up.  This isn't a new observation this is about 17 years of putting up with this bullshit.

 I have experienced the worst forms of rejection. I have tried being nice in every way there is to be nice, however after several rejections, rude remarks, being treated like shit and excluded and pretty much snubbed off, ignored, overlooked, avoided. I wanted to know what I was doing wrong? I mean in the beginning I wasn't outright rude to anyone that I knew of. I mean I am by no means saying every single person I met is like that. Just the majority.

Later I started voicing my observations they quickly became resentments when people ignored what I was saying. My resentments turned me into one of them only the exact opposite. Anyone who fit into the criteria I hated.
I reverted back to before my being in relationships. See I was jaded and bitter long ago for the same reason but was later sheltered when I got involved. it only was a problem when I went out with my ex's and hot guys would come up to them and hit on them and even say shit like "What are you doing with that nigger?" Or "He's too odd looking what are you doing with him?" "Or you must be cockeyed that bitch is ugly as fuck" Those are actual quotes from actual people and those are the tame ones.

Now I find myself trying to be nice trying so hard not to be jaded. But fuck it it's impossible. The gay community as a whole is worse than neo-nazi beliefs. Here we are fighting for gay rights and to be treated equally when we treat our own kind like shit for not meeting the requirements and unreasonably high expectations we make. Here we are wanting so badly to for the world to celebrate our differences and not to be judged when here we are doing nothing but passing judgement on eachother worse than highschool teenagers. We don't have to be gay bashed anymore we bash eachother more than anyone could ever bash us.

This blog may be bias because I am a minority within many minorities but I can assure you that I by no means am the only one who thinks this way. However this post will go un-noticed, unread and nothing will change. Or people will simply say "He's just being a drama queen feeling sorry for himself" But this isn't about me this is just one of many stories out there.

I hope one day someone will see this for what it is. Not a post of self pity. I think it's time to make a change.....


  1. Awesome post kiddo! By the way, your whole blog is so well written! :)

    Anyway, I remember meeting your mom once, and she thanked me for looking out for you. I had no idea that you guys had problems like that though. I don't know why, and I feel kind of stupid, but I always expect things like race/gay/etc. to not be an issue with anyone and the amount of hatred in the world always surprises me.

    I also know what it's like to always be in the minority or minorities, or to feel that way at least. It's hard for me to wrap my head around someone skinny like you getting so much hatred for your looks, because I've always gotten all of that hatred and nastiness over my looks for being fat. Even as a kid, it started from preschool on, I've always been hated for being fat, ugly and monstrously hideous. I mean, people act like I'm seriously deformed, gross, have oozing boils the size of baseballs on my face or something. People are horrified by my face and I've never been able to see what's so non-human about it. But, when people treat you like that everywhere you go, it sure makes you feel far less than human. I know that all too well.

    1. And the world is too obsessed with everyone fitting in to strict, rigid standards and requirements. I remember when you were 13, and that you told me the problems you had in school had been that you were a goth/punk and because you were black they expected you to be gangsta and all that. I remember I got into the whole goth/punk thing around 15, before I came out to Seattle. It just kind of happened as a rebellion against the hicks here. And I kind of faded out of the scene by the time I came home from Seattle, because I had gotten sick of how most goths were total snobs. I got more into industrial when I came home and heard Rammstein on TV. I was into them for 10 years. And then I got introduced to rap, and liked it. But it comes as no surprise really. I started to like rap at 13, but all the adults around me (family, teachers, shrinks) told me that no one would ever take me seriously or respect me, and that by listening to that music, would in effect label me as a n-----. Oh and guess what I'm called around here now that I'm full-blown out with being a lover of rap music? I'm called the n- word!!!

      But I've also learned to throw everyone's BS to the wind and be myself since I can't win anyone's respect anyway. And I've come to find that I really should have just been born a guy, even though I'd have grown up a gay boy in that case, I'd still take it over the deal I got. Of course here in hickville there's no chance of getting on hormones or anything, but I have a court date late next month to try to get my name legally changed. I think it would help a lot. People expect thin, blonde & beautiful when they see my name on paper, then are horrified by what they see. I get all kinds of shit here for looking the way I do. I don't get proper service. I worry about losing my car every year during "inspection" time. Especially now since the car I have was bought on a loan that won't be paid off for 3 years. The only way to keep a car here is to be male or else pay off some redneck $5000 every year for the privilege of keeping your car and that's the honest truth. But, point being, it really sucks here and the only way I see out is if my name change is approved, since I look like a guy, then having a guy's name will be my ticket out of this god forsaken miserable inbred hillbilly redneck pit of hell.

      But yeah, now that I've lost my train of thought., I'll just say that I know what it's like to be different, and to be hated at every turn. But you make an excellent point and it's all too true. Since I've gone and decided that I definitely want a sex change, I've paid more attention to gay stuff, and I've been shocked by how perfect they expect people to be. I even heard some BS the other day that how long you've been out matters to them, and they think you're as mature as a 3 year old until you've been out for like 15+ years. And I was like W T F?!?! F-ing ignorant, elitist bastards! It's truly sickening. And yet they cry "wah wah accept me for being gay"?!? Maybe when they accept other gays as equal first?! So yeah, I definitely see your point.

      Love ya always, little brother!