I remember on October 13th I stood before everyone at The Recovery Place after someone sang a song and said "As you all know one of our leaders is leaving us." Before I go into what I said to them all and what happened since I will tell you when it started.
I got of the plane completely trashed. My birthday would have been my sober date but I used leaving Jersey and just getting out of detox as an excuse for one last time. I sat in the airport bar knowing I was going to spend every cent of 150 in that bar because my flight was delayed. After several double shots of Jack Daniels I remembered my first adult drink was Jack, my first 21 year old drink was Jack. It only seemed fitting it be my last..... I didn't think I was drunk until I got on the plane and had a panic attack at take off. A woman sitting next to me gave me three valium to calm me down. I slammed them down and ordered a beer. I got off the plane and met the man to pick me up for rehab. I honestly felt like I was going to a party by then.
I took off my shirt in the nurse station because it was so hot. They almost didn't admit me but suddenly I sobered up. I woke up the next morning with a hangover from hell and had to do intake all day. I was crying all day, partly because I was feeling sorry for myself, another part of me knew I was done and was relieved. Then the directer sat us down he asked us why we were there. I said "I'm done. I will die if I continue this way, whatever you guys tell me to do I will do it, however long I need to stay I'll stay. I can't do this anymore I'm just done." I didn't cry I was dead serious. That day I felt a change, I felt real.
I won't go into everything I did, but never did I resist anything. When my day came to leave I had become very close with a lot of people. I was even named a role model to the community. Even though I never wanted to be peer leader I still was even though I didn't have the title. I didn't see any change in me. I cried for the first time since my first day that morning after I packed my stuff terrified of leaving. I saw so many people leave and come back, or leave and not be able to come back. I was terrified because of all the statistics. I wanted so badly to be one of the people who made it.
Back to the beginning. I stood in front of 93 people and said these exact words "I love every single one of you, we don't have to use and I don't want any of you on the RIP wall. Fuck the statistics, none of us have to go back." I said a lot more but it lead me to sing the "Milkshake" song with two friends......
Since then we all parted ways. Some of us kept in contact some of us completely disappeared but here's what I really wanted to talk about. One of us didn't make it and won't come back.
Christmas was a terrible day for me. I went to an xmas party where all I wanted to do was partake in the drugs and alcohol going around finally to the point where I just had to leave. Then I went on facebook and saw RIP Kylie. I thought it was a joke because I just saw her posting on her wall the night before. I went on her page and saw the ugly truth. It wasn't a joke at all. I dropped and couldn't breathe. I remembered her while I was in rehab with her as we were in the same therapy group. We were all a tight knit family and honestly did not think it would be her.....I knew it would be someone close but not her.
One thing I saw the last time I used my tarot cards about 3 weeks before she died was 3 cards fell out of my deck the first one was "the tower of destruction" meaning chaos the second was "the devil" meaning bondage seduction and temptation and "the 9 of swords" the description was a woman crying on the bed with 9 swords hanging over her head the meaning death.
I knew the meaning of the cards and freaked out I read them again mixed and shuffled not wanting to believe what I was seeing, same cards same order. I immediately called my mom and told her what I saw, she calmed me down. But I decided to not use my cards that day.
Christmas those cards happened in that order. Everything was so chaotic, I was tempted and almost seduced by what bound me and I found myself crying on my bed mourning the death of someone close to me....The same happened to Kylie only she wasn't so lucky to surpass the seduction.
I decided to hold a memorial for her with the few who remained clean that New Years eve. I saw her face in passing strangers and when I told everyone I saw her they all got goosebumps and chills. We all knew she was there.
We have all parted ways again and I hope they are all ok.
Today was the 2 month anniversary of her death. She didn't die in vain. Today I picked up my 6 month chip as it was 180 days of sobriety. Her death made me realize how life should never be taken for granted. How much it can affect others. It also showed me how to live and it made it all the more serious for me. Nothing in this world is worth using again over. I don't have to use. My mother told me she saw my death if I used again. When I told her about Kylie she cried and begged me not to go back out..... Kylie also made the bond between my mother and I all the more stronger.
I know she knows how much she is loved and missed by everyone who ever got that pleasure of meeting her. I still go on her page from time to time. I post on her wall on the 25th of every month. Sometimes I dream about her traveling and telling me of her adventures.......I know that's her seeing everything before she moves on.....Anyways This one's for you Kylie......Love you....