Saturday, April 21, 2012

Why I've become a jaded bitch.

I think it's time to say what's been really bothering me. Because I've been holding it in and letting the anger and resentment completely rule me. I wrote about this before in "What's the difference between queers and nazis?" post only it was generalized.....

The truth is I know I have alienated people lately with my bitterness and negativity but this was going on for years before I started behaving the way I do. I have learned to hate the gay community even more so lately. I get it more in the rooms of AA. The cliques made me both angry and depressed because no matter what I do I don't fit at all and felt very unwelcome in the gay rooms, and for a while I was starting to think it was just me, maybe there was something wrong with my way of thinking. Then my resentment was a reality. I remember I went to the meetings saying I needed a support group and so on and that never really happened. I mean sure at the meetings I got that, but after I would always go home by myself hardly ever invited anywhere. I began to just accept that as my reality. But then I got a member of my halfway here a few years younger, cute and whiter. Need I say more? Attention, love, support, and everything I never had. Last week after the meeting I was asking people what they were doing. They all said they had other plans. I later found out those plans included my housemate and all of them going to dinner with him. I wasn't invited. That was one of many examples. That's my weekends. Home meetings being blown off after and going home. I've even asked people if they were going places later, only to hear them say no, and find them there.....

This isn't the first time it's been like this. I'm not welcome and that's the reality I live with at this point, and when I vocalize it people tell me I'm throwing a pity party. I guess having hurt feelings and low self esteem is pity. I guess reaching out and having my hand slapped away left to drown because I'm not attractive or white is self pity. I'm angry and have no way of saying anything.

Now my bitterness has turned into darkness and becoming jaded and melancholy has become my own prison. This has been the story of my life since I was a teenager. The truth is I never fit. girls would always say how hot I was and how they don't understand why I have problems getting guys while my own kind has always given me a thousand reasons why I'm not attractive.

I also used to hang out with neo nazis as a teenager (literally) who were less judgmental  than the gay culture. When I moved to the northeast it wasn't a problem anymore. I was accepted just fine and didn't have problems in the gay scene, then again I wasn't all that involved in the gay culture because I was involved in relationships and the underground punk scene where there are lots of other fetish-punk sinister queers like myself....

Now it's very lonely and I find myself on the outside, fading into the background and feeling like an empty shell of a human......It doesn't end and get's worse everyday. I don't want to use or drink, but I don't want to feel like this anymore. I am so angst that it makes me alienate those who do like me and want me around, but yet I can't help it. The constant rejection the cliques, the beautiful people making me feel ugly as sin. Just like my school year when even the kids who were made fun of making fun of me so they could fit in better, the rejects who used to hang out with me who turned on me to get ranks of popularity.....Now I'm feeling sorry for myself. But you get what I mean....Anyways I can't write anymore. I'm just gonna fall asleep...Tomorrow will be better that's what they say. My questions are: Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I the only person who feels this way?

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